Thanks for joining me!

Hi, I’m Annie and this is my first time blogging!

I’m currently in the middle of taking my daily Buserelin shots and next week I begin shot number two…eek!

As this is my first blog, I thought it would make sense to recap on what we have been through so far. As we have been through a lot, it’s pretty long, but once you are all up to date, I’ll ensure my blogs are much shorter.

The journey so far… [Recap] 

Jan 2016 – new year, new start. My husband and I agreed this was the year we would try for a baby. I will be 30 next year, we had our own house, we both had stable jobs and we have had some amazing holidays.  Everyone around us were having babies and my in-laws began ‘hinting’ about having a little grandchild from us.

I started to take folic acid and we began counting days in my cycle trying to work out peak days to conceive, however this was proving to be difficult as I had irregular periods (this was normal to me as it has been irregular all my life). As my cycle dates varied from 30- 60 days, we spent a lot of money on pregnancy tests, and I used to often googled symptoms of being pregnant.

End of 2016 – no sign of little tiny toes. By this time we had used ovulation kits and I had been to see the GP too. The GP advised to wait two years and to actively try at least three times a week. My husband and I enjoy travelling so we ensured that wherever we travelled it was a Zika-free zone too.

Mid 2017 – I was having lunch with one of my close friends (who has two kids) and the topic of babies came up. She said a close relative of hers had recently been told she has polycystic ovaries and has been referred to a fertility clinic. That evening I googled what polycystic ovaries were and I felt that I had some of the symptoms. I have irregular periods. I also have facial hair which is a symptom but being an Asian with dark hair I thought that was normal. It was nothing waxing or threading couldn’t sort out!  I started to feel a bit worried – ‘do I have a problem?’ My husband advised that I booked an appointment with the GP.

Polycystic ovaries

I went to see the GP again, and she said she was unable to refer me to a clinic until two years of trying. However she said she would like to take some blood tests and do a scan to check if everything was fine. After a couple of weeks the GP told me that I had signs of polycystic ovaries. I was absolutely devastated and tears ran down my cheeks thinking ‘why me?’, ‘what have done wrong?’, ‘how can I fix this?’, ‘what happens if I can’t have children?’, ‘would I ever consider adopting?’, ‘what will people think?’. A lot of these questions are still in my head. I was in depression for a while coming to terms with having something wrong with me.

From doing online research and speaking to my friends it seems that polycystic ovaries is common and there is a possibility of falling pregnant naturally but it just takes longer than others. So I still had a little hope of a natural pregnancy.

A lot of family and friends have children and I use to hate showing how broody how I am around them to prevent a comment like ‘oh, it suits you’, ‘when is the baby due?’, ‘we look forward to your little one running around’. I therefore never showed much affection towards small children.

First appointment at the Fertility clinic 

Jan 2018 – Our first appointment at the Fertility clinic. My husband and I agreed that as we were quite young (I was 29, husband was 31) we would go through all the check-ups and see what is offered to us but we didn’t want to do anything drastic like IVF or adoption until at least another five years as we did have chances of falling pregnant naturally with polycystic ovaries. I keep telling myself it just takes time…

Weekly blood tests to confirm ovulation

The first thing the clinic wanted to do was a scan which I was quite comfortable with as I had been through this already with the GP. After that, the clinic wanted to confirm I was ovulating each month. To confirm this, they required me to take a blood test every week during my cycle, and when the results show I was ovulating I could stop – this scared me a lot. I have a fear of injections and I’ve never been admitted to hospital in my life. I have always been fit and healthy.  I am able to take the odd holiday injection but knowing I need to take an injection weekly stressed me out a lot.

When I went to get my weekly blood test, the night before I would be so stroppy with my husband and work myself up. I would be in depression thinking ‘what is wrong with me?’, ‘why me?’, ‘what have I done bad in life to deserve this?’. Every Monday morning I would sit in the clinics reception wishing someone would see me ASAP to get this over and done with. The nurses were really nice and once it was done, I would go into work feeling relieved. I used to have lunch with the same friend every day, explaining to her how I felt and how I hoped I was ovulating so I didn’t have to go back the following week.

The fourth week showed I was ovulating. I was really pleased but the downside to this was that the clinic wouldn’t offer me tablets to help me try and conceive. It meant everything was fine and if I didn’t fall pregnant naturally the next best option would be IVF…..

Low sperm count

The clinic also ran some tests on my husband and they confirmed he had a low sperm count. I remember when my husband found out, he barely spoke to me that evening and was very quiet. He felt ashamed of this and told me to not tell anyone…

Adoption  

June 2018 – The combination of me having polycystic ovaries and my husband having a low sperm count meant that the clinic suggested that we had IVF. Words cannot describe how we both felt and I was very scared. I remember asking about the other options available and there wasn’t anything other than adoption. My first thought was ‘I can’t go through IVF’ and I would rather adopt. That evening we googled adoption and the possibilities of having an Indian child in the UK. My husband supported whatever decision I made as he said it would ultimately be me who would have to go through IVF. I started to try and think of a future with an adopted child.

Parents & in-laws

I told my parents about the troubles we were having and they were so upset but agreed to keep this as a family secret. My dad especially was against us adopting without trying through IVF. I look up to my dad so I told my husband and my husband said he also agreed with my dad and then after much thought I changed my mind and agreed to try IVF. I should at least try and have my own child – I have the option of IVF and I should try… if I can’t do the daily injections, surely I can just stop…but I should try…

We also told my in-laws. My in-laws were incredibly understanding and they said they were there to support us in any shape or form. We requested that they didn’t make any ‘hints’ anymore. They said they didn’t mean to add pressure, it’s just a dream they have and look forward to seeing the day.  My mother in law cried and hugged me and I could see my husband’s eyes fill up with water too. It was so emotional but nice to know they were there for us. They asked if we wanted to tell my sister in laws but agreed to keep this to ourselves for now.

Telling both sets of parents felt like a huge weight was lifted from our shoulders.

Religion

I had spoken to my dad about if there was anything from a religious perspective I could do. He spoken to our local pandit-ji and he wasn’t very helpful. I encouraged my husband to go to the temple more regularly to pray for a little tiny toes one day. I was looking at doing anything and everything to help us.

Decision to go through IVF

We went to the clinic, signed all the papers and it’s now official…we begin our first round of IVF on 26th October! Keep reading.

Fingers crossed xxx